


I'm Lost

by the_link_dock



Series: Vent Fics [8]
Category: HIStory3 - 那一天 | HIStory3: Make Our Days Count (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Body Dysphoria, Bullying, Depression, High School, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, Sad Xigu, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_link_dock/pseuds/the_link_dock
Summary: Yu Xi Gu thinks maybe it's time to stop fighting. He's ready to give up, but Xiang Hao Ting has a habit of disrupting his plans.
Relationships: Lu Zhigang/Sun Boxiang (Mentioned), Xiang Haoting & Yu Xigu, Xiang Haoting/Yu Xigu
Series: Vent Fics [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676197
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	I'm Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I say Yu Xi Gu and Hao Ting instead of Xigu and Haoting

Yu Xi Gu couldn’t take anymore of Xiang Hao Ting’s harassment. Already Xi Gu had been struggling with making it through the day, but now he’d failed a test and his scholarship was in jeopardy.

At this point, Xi Gu was struggling to remember why he was trying so hard when it was so easy to take all of his hard work away.

His parents were gone and he had no friends. Xi Gu had been working hard for a better future, but he wasn’t sure if he would ever make it. It felt like as soon as he had something it was ripped out of his hands.

Xi Gu stood on the roof of his apartment complex after his shift at the bar. 

His stomach ached in familiar hunger and it made Xi Gu press a hand to his stomach as if it would somehow help. He hadn’t heard his stomach grumble in years, being long since used to going without food, but the feeling of emptiness never went away.

“I’m sorry. I really tried to make it in time,” he spoke to the sky, somehow knowing his parents were listening to him. He knew that if they were alive, they wouldn’t blame him or even be mad, but Xi Gu still felt the need to apologise.

He felt like even though Hao Ting didn’t believe him and decided to ruin Xi Gu’s life, it was still Xi Gu’s fault for not running fast enough, or strong enough to open his door.

“I don’t understand why he hates me so much. I’m not trying to take his girlfriend; I don’t even like her.”

Xi Gu didn’t like anyone; he didn’t have time to waste on school yard crushes and dating. The only free time he had was spent on sleeping.

Xi Gu turned his head to look directly at the sky and heaved a tired sigh. “Would you want me to live like this? Working two jobs, one at a gay bar, and constantly going hungry?”

Xi Gu’s eyes flickered between the stars and he gave a small, self-deprecating smile. It wasn’t their fault they died. It wasn’t their fault his auntie didn’t try to convince him to stay with her.

“I know what people think of me. That I think I’m superior, for whatever reason. Why can’t they see that I have to study? Every day I study and work. Every day I skip meals to afford rent and they still try to take my lunch money!”

Xi Gu felt his face get hot and looked down as if to hide his shame from his parents. The kids at school didn’t even try to understand that Xi Gu was living his life now; on his own and completely independent.

How could they understand? They all had parents who made decent money and could afford to send them to their school.

Xi Gu took in a shaky breath to calm himself down. He shuffled to the edge of his complex and looked at the ground to avoid the feeling of his mom and dad being disappointed. 

“I don’t want to continue living like this. I’ve been nothing but a burden. Auntie has kids and Lu Zhi Gang shouldn’t have to waste time on me.”

Zhi Gang was the only real blessing in Xi Gu’s life. Their café wasn’t often crowded, and yet Zhi Gang gave as many extra hours as he could to Xi Gu. He even sent the high schooler home with food for dinner.

Xi Gu looked back up with a fond smile, “He’s the only one that’s nice to me. Not that Auntie isn’t nice, and I know that she loves me but...” Xi Gu looked down again while he searched for the word. 

“She’s distant. I moved away and she had a family. She didn’t write and I don’t want to burden her, so I don’t either. But...Lu Zhi Gang treats me like family. He makes me eat, even when I’m not hungry because he knows how long I go between meals. He gives me extra hours when I need them and lets me off early so the walk home isn’t as dangerous.”

Xi Gu pressed his palms into the concrete of the ledge on the roof. “He shouldn’t have to worry. He has his own family and friends.”

Xi Gu stared at his fingers with disdain. “So skinny and ugly.” He muttered, more to himself than his parents. 

After his parents died, he’d always been skinny because he didn’t want to trouble his Auntie. He was just an extra mouth to feed, so it was better if it didn’t cost her so much. And when she had kids, he couldn’t bear the thought of them going hungry so he could eat. 

Xi Gu swallowed and lifted one of his hands to look at his bony wrist. His fingers were knobby and crooked. He could see the pones in his wrist well defined and when he moved his fingers, he could see the bones in his hand shift to make his hands look spidery.

Studying and working was all that mattered, but Xi Gu couldn’t help but hate himself, and he’d never held so much disdain for his body than in that moment. 

“Sun Bo Xiang harassed me about Lu Zhi Gang and I couldn’t do anything about it.” He turned his hand over and looked at the cracked lines on his palms. 

“He didn’t listen to what I said and kept hitting my chest. I was too weak to stop him. And I couldn’t stop Xiang Hao Ting either.”

Xi Gu felt his frustration build and his throat close. How was he supposed to have a better future if he couldn’t even get through high school?

“How am I supposed to better my future if I’m so weak!?” 

He breathed harshly out of his mouth and sucked in his bottom lip in an imitation of a frown. 

For a moment his thoughts raced. Memories replayed of him going to be at four in the morning having not eaten for two days. Of him walking home alone in the middle of the night. Of him being harassed for something he didn’t do. 

A moment of clarity made him look out to the city around him. 

The run-down side of the city that was dirty and had bars on windows. 

_It wasn’t going to get better_. They would keep pushing him and he would keep pushing himself until he broke. 

_But what if he was already broken?_ The thought made him freeze. _Was he broken?_

He didn’t have parents, he didn’t have friends, if you didn’t count Lu Zhi Gang, which, how could he when he didn’t deserve his boss’s kindness?

Xi Gu’s eyelids fluttered and he swallowed thickly. It felt hard to breathe, but he managed to push himself up on the ledge and stand up, wobbling slightly as the breeze drifted over him. 

His arms were slightly stretched out for balance and once he was able to stand straight, he felt an odd peace rush over him. 

It was calming to know that his suffering would end soon. He wouldn’t have to stress about tests or homework, or if he as making enough money to survive. 

He looked at the ground below and saw the bike rack by the street and wondered if he should aim for it. 

He was mentally preparing himself when he heard a person come running down the street yelling at him to stop. 

He leaned his head forward and squinted to try and see who it was. He wobbled with a startled shout as he lost balance. 

He fell backwards onto the roof with a thump and let himself lay there for a moment. His back and bottom hurt from the fall, even though it was probably only three feet, and he was getting a headache. 

His stomach cramped in hunger and he gave a wince. _How pathetic was it that he couldn’t succeed at life or death?_

He heard someone still yelling from below and he pushed himself up with shaking arms and looked over the side. He felt a rush of frustration and helplessness wash through him. His eyes twitched in an effort to not cry.

Why did it have to be Hao Ting?

“What do you want?” Xi Gu asked with a hint of desperation. Why couldn’t he just be left alone. 

“What were you doing on the roof!? You could’ve fell off!” The man yelled while waving his arms around like a monkey. 

Xi Gu pursed his lips and looked to the side before glaring back at Hao Ting. “Well, I didn’t, so go away!”

Hao Ting made a noise and stared up at Yu Xi Gu. “ _I can’t just_ —come down here!”

Xi Gu scoffed, “No way!”

“C’mon!” Hao Ting actually had the nerve to whine at him. It made Xi Gu cross his arms and frown. He heard Hao Ting curse and Xi Gu had a thought to go inside. 

“Please, Yu Xi Gu! I just want to talk!” The bigger man pleaded. 

Xi Gu pursed his lips and glared harder. “I don’t want to talk. Especially not to you!”

Hao Ting put his hands on his waist before clasping them in front of him and tilting his head back to better stare at Xi Gu. “Please? I’m really sorry!”

Xi Gu scoffed, “Okay. Go away now!”

Xi Gu turned around and walked to the roof door with a sigh, already tired of this night and upset that he hadn’t got the chance to jump. 

Maybe he’d try again later. 

He heard Xiang Hao Ting yelling after him, and Xi Gu felt a sort of vindictive pleasure at being able to ignore him.


End file.
